Cleveland Pollack of the Year

The ethnics of Greater Cleveland are notorious for their eccentric and colorful demeanor. Among all the groups, there is one that continually goes above and beyond: The Polish. Time and time again, there are members of this group that continue to lower the bar for intellectual capacity and common sense. These elite Poles are known as Pollacks. On occasion, a Pollack will do something that distinguishes himself or herself even further. These accomplishments have gone unrecognized far too long. This is why it is my distinct privilege to announce the first annual Cleveland Pollack of The Year award.

The winner of this year's award is my grandma's neighbor, Kasmir. Kasmir is a long-time resident of Cleveland's west-side suburbs. Over the summer, the wheel on Kasmir's tractor broke. Instead of promptly ordering a replacement wheel, Kasmir switched to his push mower and failed to repair his tractor. This procrastionation proved costly as it left Kasmir without a snow plow in the coming winter months. The first storm of winter dropped a good 10 inches of snow and Kasmir was trapped in his house, unable to get to work. To make matters worse, the snow was covered with a thick layer of ice left by freezing rain. How could Kasmir move the heavy snow without a plow so he could drive to work?

This dilemma might pose a major problem for most people, but not for a Super Pollack like Kasmir. Using his Pollack ingenuity, Kasmir decided to clear the snow by using his... LEAF BLOWER! Surely nothing could remove heavy ice and snow like a leaf blower!

And so the roar of a leaf blower echoed through the neighborhood. The snow and ice didn't seem to budge, but that didn't seem to stop ole' Kasmir. Hour after hour, the leaf blower continued to roar. Neighbors began to gossip, openly wondering if the old man had lost his mind. Kasmir continued on, cussing and chastising the snow, switching to Polish when the English failed to budge the snow. Eventually the roar of the leaf blower subsided. Whether sanity finally prevailed or Kasmir ran out of gas, it remains unclear.

The neighbors then went to offer their assistance. Stubbornly refusing help, Kasmir admitted defeat and declared that he was moving to Florida. And thus, on that cold wintry December day, the snows of Cleveland finally conquered poor ole' Kasmir.

Disclaimer: The author, while reluctant to admit portions of his own ancestry, will acknowledge that he is related to some Polish people.